


Habits

by r0nj4



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: CW really shitty parents, Canon Trans Character, Ficlet, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-02
Updated: 2019-05-02
Packaged: 2020-02-15 15:28:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 964
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18672445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/r0nj4/pseuds/r0nj4
Summary: David wants what he's not allowed.





	Habits

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not really sure what this is? I hope it's something.

David knows he's not allowed. He knows that, and has known it from the silly start in the hallway when he walked past a boy with too-long bangs and stupidly beautiful eyes. He has known it since a couple days later when the same boy - Matteo - offered him a smile and a smoke in the hallway, and they were interrupted by that girl, insistent on kissing him. (David couldn’t really blame her.)

 _Do I get a wish now?_ he had said.

David had thought, _is he flirting with me?_ But obviously he wasn’t. He had kissed his girlfriend right back.

 

*

 

David showed his sketchbook to Matteo, mostly because it nearly fell out of his backpack when he had to look for his phone. He sent a text to Laura, _I went to a friends’ place after school._

Then the sketchbook was just there and Matteo said _What’s this?_ and David showed him, because Matteo’s eyes have this way of looking indescribably sad but sparkling, sometimes both at once, and David couldn’t deny those eyes anything. _Have you drawn these?_ and then, barely a whisper, _they’re beautiful_ . David wanted him right then and there, felt the electricity snapping in the air between them. Felt warm from Matteo’s praise, felt how it filled him with giddiness and turned his cheeks pink. _Ja_ and _thank you._ And silently to himself, s _o are you._

 

_*_

 

David is confused because he knows that he’s not allowed to have Matteo, and yet Matteo keeps reaching out. He’s leaving messages in David’s phone and David has left Matteo on read, even if he hates himself for that. The thing is, David knows what would happen if people found out. David knows the things people would say to him. And he’s already killed someone and gone into hiding once, and he’s not really up for doing it again.

_Fucking snowflake._

He wears all black, extra thick layers not to get hurt, and tries to imagine himself as someone who doesn't gives a fuck about what people would say. Maybe if he imagines it long enough, it will come true. Other things have.

He reads the massage again. _You left so suddenly._

In his mind he's written a thousand replies. _I left because I like you too fucking much and your eyes are too fucking beautiful and I've never been this scared before in my life._

David wants.

 

*

 

David couldn't breathe in that kitchen. Matteo wanted him to be there, so he came. Then Matteo left and David stayed, because Matteo has this hold of him, like his fingers have been tightly wrapped around David's heart. And it's probably driving him mad, because he gets dizzy whenever Matteo gets close. Matteo got too close then, their shoulders nearly touching. He had to say something to make sure he wasn't imagining things, had to make sure this wasn't all in his head. _You look good today._

David thinks he's never seen something so beautiful as Matteo's face after telling him who Laura is. Relief and fear and love radiating from him. They inch closer. Their lips touch. The door opens. David runs.

 

*

 

David's mom had long brown hair and brown eyes, and she was the kindest person he knew. His dad was stern, but usually fair. They had thrown him out without hesitation.

_You're not allowed back._

And David's mind got stuck on that. It became his own personal mantra for a long time. _You're not allowed._

Then he moved in with Laura and started T and things changed, little by little, both in his body and his mind. He started seeing a counsellor, a kind woman with long brown hair and brown eyes.

 _David. You're allowed_ , she had said. He didn't believe her. Not for a long time. Old habits die hard.

 

*

 

The light dances over Matteo's face in bed. His hair is tousled and his eyebrows knit together. His eyes are closed and his jaw is tense. It always is. David has woken up from Matteo's bruxism more than once. He even googled it, that's how he learned the clinical term. Bruxism. It's usually caused by anxiety or stress. Sometimes there's no apparent reason for it at all. Matteo is seeing his therapist tomorrow and his jaw is usually more relaxed after his appointments. It doesn't bother David, not really. Mostly he wishes he could make it go away, for Matteo's sake more than his own. He wishes he could crawl inside Matteo's head. Wishes he could learn all the thoughts circling around inside, could help him catalogue them and make sense of them. That's not really David's job though. Matteo sees a therapist for a reason.

Matteo moves to lying on his side, facing David. He's shirtless beneath the duvet. There's bruising the size of David's lips over the right side of Matteo's neck, scattered down to his clavicle. They've been together for six months and fourteen days (if you count since the pool, and Matteo always insists on counting since the pool). They must have been with each other a hundred times by now, yet the evidence of it on Matteo's neck still makes David blush. _You don't have to be gentle_ , Matteo had said last night. _You're allowed to be rough_.

The words had echoed inside him. _You're allowed to be. You're allowed to be. You're allowed to be._

"Are you awake?" Matteo is looking at him with sleep dust in his eyes.

"Yes."

Matteo shuffles closer, pushes his tousled hair into the nook between David's shoulder and neck. He makes a disgruntled sound.

"Huh?"

"You know," Matteo says.

And David does. He squirms his arm out from between them and wraps it around Matteo's shoulder blades.

"Mhm," Matteo hums. "That's it."

He's right, David thinks. _This is it._

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi reader. Thanks for reading! I'm cis. If you're trans, please let me know if any part of this felt off or made you uncomfortable.
> 
> Anyway. This wasn't even meant to like, deal with the universal LGBTQ+ experience of feeling like you have to justify your existence in this world, that just sort of happened. 
> 
> Also, the working title for this in my drive was "disaster gays" for a really long time. Because. They are. ALSO, why do I always write fic like this? Like I start something and then leave it for weeks and then pick it up again and the story gets kind of disjointed? 
> 
> I always ramble in notes. I hope you liked this, and please let me know if you did. I'm also on [tumblr](https://a-station-on-your-way.tumblr.com/).


End file.
